One more day

Finally, it's here.  Today is the last day of work for me.  Well, actually I am officially "working" on Monday at the office in Connecticut, but that's the day I turn in my computer, monitor, printer, shredder, etc., go out to lunch with my group and attend a "happy hour" to say good bye to co-workers.  So really, today is the last day of  "work."

In my home office I have print outs of monthly calendars that began in August 2014.  That's when I began marking off every day of work at day's end.  In the beginning, I printed calendars for August 2014 through February 2015, with the goal of making it to mid-February when my employer pays the 401K matching contribution.  Then in February I printed calendars for March through July.  That's 12 months of calendars, 12 months of counting off days of work one by one.  Somehow that act made me more conscious of time, the passage of time.  At my age one doesn't want time to "fly" - there's little enough of it left - but this was a year I did want to get past, while still living every day of it.  Mission accomplished.

In the meantime, I had my 65th birthday, and it may have been the best, or certainly one of the best, ever.  Lovely calls from both children, a long talk with my older grandson, calls from my dear friends Helen and Susan F, wishes from many friends at work, great presents from all, and a wonderful dinner cooked by David!

David's been a fiend of efficiency.  He has completed the work on all the "pieces" to my little boat - mast, boom, sprit spar, dagger board and rudder.  He has applied another coat of epoxy and sanded the outside hull, and now has applied 2 coats of primer followed by 2 coats of paint - 1 more to go.  All that is left is the inside.  He built a set of stairs for entry to our basement bulkhead (we had a bulkhead entrance to the basement but without stairs).  Those will be needed in a couple weeks when our new furnace is installed.  David is setting a hard example for my retirement - I can't imagine being so efficient.  But maybe I can permit myself some weeks or even months of rest and relaxation before beginning to beat myself up.  In any event, I am very proud and grateful for everything David is doing - to finish the boat and around the house.

Well, it's almost time to go to work.  May be the last time I ever write that - although I can conceive of "working" again in the future, but not in the way of these last 15, no make that 40 years.  It's going to be an adventure.  Stay tuned.

Here is a photo taken on a recent morning walk of the perennial garden of a home I pass every day.  Leaving aside the "Gart" (Garden "Art"), it is truly beautiful and an inspiration for me as I have more time to spend on my own garden.

Peace.

Que sera, sera!

The boys from Atlanta came.  They saw.  They conquered - walked the Rockland boardwalk and out the Rockland breakwater, shopped at Planet Toys and had lunch at Rock City Cafe, went out on Captain Jack's lobster boat (where Cachao saved a little lobster's life by bravely picking it up and tossing it back into the water), played miniature golf, hiked in Camden State Park, went up the Owls Head lighthouse, threw rocks at the beach, drank apple juice left and right, tested David's pancake making stamina, had Dorman's ice cream AND Gifford's ice cream, wore out Ella, helped with my chores including watering the garden, scattered Legos everywhere, played Tenzies (dice game recommended by Melissa--thanks!) with a vengeance, filled in and then told Mad Lib tall tales, and generally livened up this old folks' home until its 150+ year old walls (and almost as old wall paper) rang with laughter - and now they're testing Manhattan's ability to withstand the same before heading back south tomorrow. What a wonderful visit!  

Cello, the cutie.

Handsome Cachao.

On Captain Jack's lobster boat - Cello looks for a seal spotted nearby.

The little lobster saved by Cachao - to be eaten by him on a date to be determined.

"Trapped" at Claws, the latest tourist trap.

I miss them already!  The house is very quiet.  The coffee table is very neat.  I haven't stepped on a stray Lego all day.  I think I've picked up all the plastic straw wrappers dotting the carpet throughout the house from the multiplicity of emptied juice boxes.  I'm already thinking ahead to a 2016 road trip of our own - when David and I (and maybe even Ella!) can take a trip down to Nashville to visit Aunt Maro, Carol, Debbie and David, on to North Carolina to see Melissa, John and Austin again, and then to Atlanta - for Sam, Melina, Cachao, Cello, Tia Corinne and Uncle John!  Between now and then, maybe  a flying visit by Abuela.

Meanwhile, I have today and tomorrow off of work and then it's down to 8 more working days.  The future seems ... wide open, unknown, both exciting and scary as hell.  I remember back in 1992, when I left a good job in NYC and Sam and I moved to Georgia, I had no idea what would happen next, which freaked me out, could cause me to break out in a cold sweat.  But I used to tell myself, "Anything can happen!"  In the end, I guess what happened was life.  

And now, here I am again where it seems anything can happen.  I guess that's always the case, just sometimes we close our eyes to it.  I hope my eyes can stay open - to whatever comes next.  That's all there is, after all.  

My mother wasn't really a "music person" but she had a couple of songs she used to hum, even sing.  One was, "Que sera, sera!"  "Whatever will be, will be," it says, and goes on, "the future's not ours to see... que sera, sera!"

Peace.

26 days and counting

There are 26 calendar days - 13 working days - between me and retirement (the discrepancy due to a company holiday for July 4th and 5 days of planned vacation).  It is a thrilling if somewhat bowel-loosening milestone.   And while I feel I have waited years, literally, for this Day to arrive, in that slippery way time has of sliding out of your grasp, the Day seems to have sneaked up to be right around the corner.  I feel I have waited forever.  And I feel I am not prepared.  

Of course the big fear is money - what if there's not enough of it?  But then I've lived much of my life with that fear, including days when small children were dependent on me and there truly wasn't enough money.  I remember going to the local kosher butcher in New York and having him give me at a discounted price days old chicken that was on the point of "turning".  I would buy a whole chicken and he would cut it up in 8ths so there would be more pieces to give the kids, making it seem like more chicken.  Monthly I would choose which bills to pay and which to skip.  Once an eviction notice was nailed to our front door - literally.  And we made it through... with the generous help and support of friends and community ... and I would say also, by my own grit and determination.

So what really is the basis of my anxiety now?  I think it is just facing a big change, a life-altering threshold.  I've faced other life-altering thresholds and crossed them successfully.  I left radical politics to make a new life for myself and my children.  I became Jewish, making an unfamiliar religion, its rituals, language, culture my own.  I moved, multiple times.  Change jobs, multiple times.  I faced serious cancer, surgery, chemotherapy and radiation, and came out the other side.  

But I think that retirement is fundamentally about losing the camouflage on your "self" provided by your job or career.  You know what they say, when an American meets someone new they ask "What do you do?" not "Who are you?"  So who are you if you don't work?  You are a kid, an unemployed (aka unwanted) person or an old person - in all 3 cases, you are irrelevant to the question "What do you do?"  Retirement makes you face your self and ask, "When I am freed of the obligation to do what someone else tells me to do, what do I want to do?  What am I interested in?  Who am I?"  Retirement is an existential challenge as much as or more than a practical one.

Heavy thoughts on this foggy Maine morning 26 days from the Day.   It wasn't foggy a day or so ago on Ella's and my morning walk, just overcast but with the sun breaking through:

Meanwhile, I await a visit from Sam and my grandsons, just a week away.  So much going on in midcoast Maine:

• Talk by Beekeeper Jean Vose, Newcastle Fire Station, River Road. 6 p.m. biz meeting of Newcastle Historical Society. 7 p.m. free, public talk by Vose on keeping bees in your backyard. Handouts.

• Free Talk by Heiwa Tofu Owner, 7 p.m., Lincolnville Library. Jeff Wolovitz shows photos, describes how his organic tofu is made in Belfast, shares hard-learned biz lessons and gives samples.

• "Roadside Maine: A Route 1 Journey 1900-1906," 7 p.m., Centennial Celebration at Bayside Community Hall, Northport. Free, public talk by Maine historian Earle Shettleworth

 • Talk on Magna Carta's Role Today, 7:30 p.m., Old Town House, just off Union Common. Free, public talk by Rockland lawyer Bill Maddox to Union Historical Society.

Not sure these are the main or Maine events to attract my son, or his 4-year old and 8-year old sons, not even sure about this 64-year old, but I know we'll find plenty to do.

Peace.